Food for thought #4/2023: The uncomfortable look in the mirror. Of narcissists and complex shadow work. A personal angle on Night Dance topics.

 

Anyone who has ever dealt with a malignant narcissist knows that you wouldn't put your worst enemy through such an apocalyptic experience.

 

And yet, can a soul vampire enrich my life?

 

Looking back, "my" narcissist has advanced me a great deal in my personal development.

 

The non-existent ego strength of my younger self and the fascination of being able to lose myself in the radiance of a charismatic man had, at that time, contributed quite considerably to the fact that I could at all fall for a narcissist.

 

My younger self felt flattered beyond measure that such an attractive, “successful”, and educated dazzler expressed interest in me.

 

But after the initial "love bombing" it quickly became clear: I was never good enough! Neither externally nor internally. The fault was always mine, completely indifferent to what there was to find fault with.

 

WHAT A LOAD OF BULLSHIT!

 

And at the same time: what a brilliant illusion theater I had created for myself!

 

It took me almost a decade to realize that the persona I had adopted, the story I had told myself of not being good enough, not being valuable – was, in a way, a role I had taken on (like in a stage play).

 

The truth, however, is so much deeper and profound.

 

On another level, EVERY soul, every person is always valuable and perfect. Even "my" narcissist. But I was so enamored, so deeply immersed in my victim role at the time, that I couldn't recognize another reality for a long time. (Admittedly, I would have whacked anyone with a rolling pin instead who had had the nerve to confront me with such a "fact" at the time of my greatest pain. ;D)

 

Basically, "my" narcissist was holding up a mirror to me and reflected some of my then still unconscious wounds. My encounter with him gave me the options to either go down or to look inside, to climb down deep into my personal abyss and to confront some of my darkest parts there... such as the shame about being a master manipulator myself, if my conscience and my moral code would not reliably quash any my darker impulses.

 

The perfidious lust for power ... another feeling I would never, NEVER allow myself to fully feel and it therefore had to be pushed down, deep into the shadows.

 

I condemn the abuse of power and the huge power imbalances in this world.

 

I go into negative resonance with the dark side of the topic of power. It is no neutral subject for me, because if it were, it would be fully healed. But I also go into positive resonance with power. Namely, when it comes to (level-headed and clear) leadership, (inner) strength and (straightforward) assertiveness.

 

By now, I have made peace with most of my inner parts that respond to "power and manipulation" in their different facets at different times. Since then, I rarely encounter this issue on the outside anymore.

 

You may judge me now and that's okay with me.

 

All that we fight and cannot accept in ourselves, we push away into the shadow worlds. It is not uncommon for us to later become the very thing we originally wanted to fight against.

 

I can force a truce, yes, but that does not mean that I am at peace (with my shadow parts).

 

Fighting is not the same as acceptance; the much invoked "fight for peace" a contradiction in terms.

 

A malignant narcissist, too, cannot be fought.

 

Absolute "No Contact!" Emotional detoxification, the healing of my co-dependency at that time, the realization that I was a perfect energetic match for him and that we were both nevertheless completely without guilt (because he, too, has his story!), helped me to build up immunity against him and other narcissists, to develop myself further and to make my peace with an experience that had almost destroyed me.

 

© Kory Wynykom, 2023

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© Kory Wynykom, 2022